Archives for posts with tag: Truth
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” -psalm 139:24-24
at the ladies retreat this weekend, for the past two mornings i would sit here at 6a.m. and spend time with God for over an hour – praying, listening, writing, reading, praising. i asked God while writing, “what, Lord, are You desiring of this weekend here for me?” instantly on my heart came, “To wash you” – so i wrote that down – not really making much sense of it at the time. He gave me much rest and peace – most of the free time we had between lectures I spent alone with God, nestled near flowing streams and waterfalls as Fall leaves drifted down gently onto the bible pages i was reading. when the final night arrived, i did not expect the tears to flow so uncontrollably as i sang praise songs. forget about it – i was a hot mess in that moment, i can say “i surrender God” with my words BUT when my heart lets go of what i had been holding onto (fear, insecurities – of how God will use me for the rest of my days to Glorify Himself) – that my friends, would be FULL SURRENDER. in that moment, face soaked, neck soaked, tears dripping on my shirt, hands soaked from wiping the tears that kept coming – God was WASHING me.
The verse i read and prayed and meditated on this weekend was Psalm 139:23-24:
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
I was holding something in my heart that was blocking God from using me as a cleansed vessel for Him. God spoke to my heart – your value is great IN CHRIST to be used in a mighty way by God. God spoke to my heart – washing away insecurities and fear – your WORTHY because of WHOM you belong to. God’s abundant Goodness – it actually blows my mind how much He Loves Us!
“The LORD is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.”
uncle Elmo would drive me clear across town for jr. high youth group every week when I lived with him for some time. he loved me deeply and was always extending his energy and goodness for my sake… so lost in my teen years at one point when I lived in Big Bear, he stayed on the phone with me, reassuring me that he was there for me no matter what, not to give up on life. hands down, he was my favorite. when I came home one night at 16 from partying with the skater boys, I walked in and heard uncle Elmo had died that day of an asthma attack. that’s the day I stopped talking to God. I couldn’t grasp it and since it made no sense, I stayed angry at God. 4 years later, I was driving with my friend on the highway. as we started on the loop to switch freeways, a car moving from the 91W to the 15S (the highest point at the interchange) came flying over the edge, smacking down on the 91E – right in front of us. seeing the man, with his face half missing, laying there – in pure desperation – after 4 years, i called out for God & prayed.
there have been many walks with Jesus through the years… when I spit in His face with anger & walked away from Him… when I walked (short-winded) with Him, only when I was completely and helplessly hopeless… when i made the decision to love another before Him and ran from Him… and when I walked with Him daily – needing Him, His Grace & Mercy, loving Him, sharing my heart with Him, praising Him, learning life from Him, standing in awe of Him, desiring to draw closer to Him day by day.
grateful for all parts of my journey thus far, to have lived it and to now share it. grateful for the views on the walk of the present. grateful to God for loving and pursuing me endlessly.
“Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”
I felt the anxiety building last night, instead of simply praying to God about it, I held it and woke up this morning stewing in it. I barked at her, “You are not wearing that shirt to school! It is hanging off your shoulder!” She yelled back. Neither was willing to pause and pull the “domino” from the morning line-up – causing the bickering reaction to continue. This morning I would not be dominated for the “mother of the year” award – by any means. I was nervous about the upcoming women’s retreat for the church, all the details pertaining to it – from the kids, to my husband to actually realizing I would be away from the home for a couple of nights. My husband offered to walk the three children to school this morning, thankful for that quiet time to get my thoughts centered back to Jesus. I was spinning ahead of myself and needed what only Jesus can give me…
His hands to calm my heart.
When anxiety tries to hunker down within me, to cozy on up, as if desiring to stay awhile… I realize that I only have two choices:
1. to give permission for the anxiety to have its way with me, in his controlling, manipulating, gripping, frightening embrace.
2. to bow my head and pray, “Lord, my heart is anxious. Forgive me for giving life to the anxiety for as long as I did and for the anger i shot out because at the root, I was scared. Please take my worries that I have created in my thoughts and fill me with Your presence and Your truths. Remind me You are with my children, husband and myself wherever we go. In Jesus’ precious name I pray, Amen.”
… and then, to choose to speak His Word over my life:
I will be strong and courageous. I will not be afraid; nor discouraged, for the Lord my God will be with me wherever I go. (Joshua 1:9)
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,”
tonight was family game night. paper, rock, scissors settled it – Sorry it was. my son decided right off the bat he was going to keep sending his sister back to start – it was his sole focus to not let her get ahead in the game. my daughter, clearly discouraged, let her feelings dictate her game and tried (her parents made her finish) to give up before the game was even over – the cards she was dealt and the actions of others in the game, she owned as a personal attack. one was only focused on pushing another down to stay positioned above them, the other was only focused on why the game was unfair, hard and without any hope of finishing well.
both are still maturing… in the game… and in their life. obviously.
we each have a specific race marked especially for us in life, yes… there will be pain, challenges, setbacks… and (hopefully) much joy… it’s the mindset and heart that determines if we will persevere.
may we always keep our eyes on Jesus Christ as to not get thrown off course by sin, hindrances and worldly views.
may we always hold Hope.
and may we always run our path based on His Truths, rather than our fickle feelings.
Garden of Hope & Love 